A little over one week ago we received an email that we hoped would contain the news we were waiting on. Holding my breath, I opened it with one eye shut as if to keep the monsters from coming out of the closet. With my one open eye, I read:
"...we found that he has been placed. They found a family for him."
That sentence and a half left my heart torn to shreds, mascara dripping down my cheeks and my face all scrunched up in that horrible face you make when your heart hurts so badly that you can't even make noise when you cry. Despite all of my preparation for this email, I felt like I had no coping skills. I didn't know what to do - I was a hot mess. How do you explain the loss you feel when you lose a child that you never knew, never talked to, never felt? I felt frozen, our path was no longer clear, my entire body paralyzed in anger. Thank God for the amazing women He put in my life just for that moment! They helped me to remember my purpose, my intent and encouraged me to relinquish the hold that I had on the situation. They reminded me of His promises, that He is in control and that He's not finished yet. Because of them, I was able to get on my knees and ask for mercy and peace. He knew I would need them and He provided because He goes before us and stands behind us.
He does amazing things like that, friends. You know what's even more amazing? Our sweet Bulgarian boy is no longer an orphan!! Praise God - He is good and faithful all the time! If that's not good, I don't know what is.
This was just the first of probably many setbacks we will encounter along this journey. Adoption is hard and not for the faint of heart - though His mercies are abundant and the grace He gives is ample. We have been praying hard and we are still totally committed to pursuing international adoption. There may be some big changes in the coming weeks (think countries and agencies), so stay tuned! I am also planning a super "FUNdraiser" and will be detailing that in my next post - try to contain your excitement, I don't think I can!
We are looking to the future with our eyes wide open and we are full of hope because the one thing we know for sure is that this is what we are supposed to be doing.